Here
by CuffedBunnies
Summary: A slightly different take on Beckett's breakdown in Season 4's Kill Shot.


**Summary:** A slightly different take on Beckett's breakdown in the 4X9 episode, Kill Shot.

**A/N:** Once again, couldn't be done without a little help from my friend, lms2457. :) Also, many thanks to CrimeGirlmariah2000 who found a HUGE detail that needed to be fixed, which ended up with me finding a bunch of other mistakes that had been overlooked... I must've been asleep during the original posting of this...

**Disclaimer:** Characters aren't mine. No infringement is intended, and no money has been made from this.

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><p><strong>Here<strong>

Kate slammed the door as she entered her apartment, checking the locks twice after she locked them to make sure they were secure. She placed the bag she was carrying onto the table and walked into the kitchen to set her keys and watch on the cabinet.

Slowly, she stepped back toward the table, and the bag, then nearly jumped out of her skin when the blare of a fire engine screamed through the walls.

Her mind was in a flurry as she hurried to the windows, pulling the blinds closed, and in some cases, hung a few extra bed sheets over them to make sure no one could see even her silhouette.

Kate stopped for a moment and took several deep breaths in an attempt to stop the erratic beating of her heart. It was only a fire engine, she thought, feeling really stupid about her behavior since the start of this case.

She looked to the rumpled brown paper bag sitting on the small dining room table, seeing the black lid peeking out the top of it. A wave of frustration crashed over her. She knew she was a better cop than this; better than the situation had caused her to become. She grabbed the bottle out of the bag, found a glass in the cabinet, and poured a generous amount of whiskey in it.

Before she'd made it to the couch, she'd already downed the glass and was pouring another. The liquid burned down her throat and first stirrings of the alcohol fluttered at the edges of her mind.

After the third or fourth glass - at least that's what Kate figured since she'd lost count - the temperature of the room seemed to get warm, so she took off her coat and laid it beside her on the couch. Then, her shoulder holster holding her gun was set on the coffee table beside the bottle.

Somewhere deep inside, she knew this wasn't a wise choice, but she didn't really care. A small voice inside spoke to her - begged her - to stop going down this path before it was too late, and she blatantly ignored it.

Kate emptied another glassful. Then, with a glance of the bottle, wondered what the point of having a glass was, since it was obvious the container would be empty soon, anyway. As she reached for the bottle, she bumped the glass and tipped it over.

But she didn't notice as the glass slowly rolled toward the edge of the table, then onto the floor.

When it landed with a crash and shattered into a million fragments, she jumped to her feet, knocking over the table in the process. Beckett screamed with the second crash and dove to the floor after her pistol. For some reason, her arm began to sting and burn, but it didn't stop her. The cold, smooth metal of the gun felt safe as she pointed it around the whirling room. Someone was in there, in her apartment, waiting on her to make a mistake so they could make their move.

Her heart beat wildly in her chest, painfully throbbing against the scar. - The scar left by her own sniper.

Through the buzz, over every other fear and alcohol-amplified noise, she could hear someone beating on her door. Her breath caught. Had they finally found her?

They beat on it again, and she could hear them calling for her, "Kate? Are you in there?"

The voice might have been familiar, in fact, it sounded like Castle, but she was sure they could sound like anyone. The anger roiling inside controlled her next moves, and there was no way Beckett was going to let them get her first.

Kate turned the safety off on her gun and stumbled as she approached the door. She caught herself with a steadying hand on the wall. The motion rattled her as it threw a shock of pain up her arm. She fell with her back against the wall just beside the door, in exactly the same position as she had done so many times before when she and the guys had tracked down a suspect.

One.. two... Beckett tried to count in order to focus on what she was doing. Then, she tossed all logic aside. She wasn't going to wait on them.

She slowly turned each lock on the door, trying though the haze in her brain to keep her weapon trained and steady as she pulled the door open, pointing it squarely at the visitor on the other side.

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><p>Castle thought his heart might just stop beating when Kate jerked the door open and immediately put the gun in his face. The fog in her eyes told him that screaming in this moment might not be the best choice. Memories of his life began to scroll before his eyes in the half second it took Beckett to realize who she was pointing the weapon at.<p>

She breathed a lungful of air out and dropped her hand to the side. Rick was painfully aware that she didn't let go of the gun. "Castle, what are you doing here?"

He could smell the stench of whiskey in the air and the distinct slur to her speech gave him a pretty good idea of what he'd walked in on. So, he tried not to let the full extent of his concern show. "I was worried about you... may I come in?"

Her unfocused eyes stared blankly at him for a time before she half-stepped, half stumbled back. She waved him in with the still gun-toting hand.

"I'm sorry it's so late," he offered quietly.

She shrugged, too loosely. "Is it?"

He swallowed down the questions - the fear - and looked for a way to break through. It was dicey enough to touch on the live wires that made up Kate Beckett's fears when she's sober. Like this, he'd need even more care in choosing his words, his battle. He won't let her shut him out this time.

"Do you know what time it is, Kate?" he asked.

Her expression was half annoyance and half confusion. "Don't really care, Castle. Was there somethin' you wanted?"

"What time is it, Kate?" he pressed on, working to keep his voice even.

"You just said -"

"Please, tell me what time it is," he insisted softly. He didn't really need to know the time. It was the only card he had to play, and he hoped it would work. She just needed to get the watch, look at it, and hopefully the cards would fall into place.

"Why do you need to know, anyway?" It almost broke his heart to see her stumble the way she did across the trashed apartment. "Don't tell me you walked all the way over here just to ask about the time."

When she finally made it to the cabinet where the watch was laying, Castle stepped inside and watched the moment land uneasily in her mind as she stared a little too long at the large dark face of her father's watch - the symbol of the life she had saved from drowning in a bottle.

"Oh," she breathed out. "Shit." When her eyes returned to his, she appeared horrified, but maybe a little more clear.

It was something, and at this point, it felt like everything.

"Too late," she said, as tears began to form in her eyes.

"Never," he returned. He saw her hand holding the gun shake slightly and decided to press forward on the ground he had gained. "I think, maybe now isn't the best time for you to be holding this."

By the time she nodded her ascent, Rick was already at her side and had slipped the gun gently from her hand. He was grateful when she released it to him, unresisting. Then a cold wave of nausea burned over him as he realized she'd taken the safety off. How close was he to dying at her hands just a few moments ago?

He decided that wasn't the best line of thoughts to be considering, and clicked the safety back into place before sliding the gun into the inside pocket of his jacket.

Beckett flopped down on the couch, watch still in hand, and took a long look at the shattered remnants of the bottle and glass. Castle followed her gaze and saw droplets of red mix along with the shattered containers. What would have happened to her if he hadn't shown up?

"Hey, Kate," Rick smiled and tentatively looked around, "are you sure you're all right? It looks like there is a little blood with the broken glass."

"I'm fine, Castle. Stop being such a mother hen." She laid back onto the couch, entirely too open, and gave him a look he'd only seen in his dreams. "Why don't you join me?"

How he wanted to fall in beside her and do exactly what she was insinuating, but the drying trickle of red on her arm blanked his mind from such thoughts.

Castle held a hand up and shook his head, "No, thank you, Kate. This isn't you. You've had enough for both of us, and it just wouldn't be right."

She smiled and twirled a lock of her hair between her fingers, still giving him that look, with maybe just a little pout mixed in. God, she knew how to push his buttons...

"I thought you were a playboy, Castle? What, you don't wanna play with me? Or would you rather have Nikki?" She slowly drug her fingers across her cheek, down her neck, and continued south. "I can role play, you know."

He chose to ignore her jibe as he knelt beside her and gently took her hand in his, "May I?" he asked, as he traced the blood trail to find where the injury was. He found a gash on her forearm several inches above the bend of her elbow. "This looks pretty bad. Do you have a first aid kit?"

He was sure she either didn't hear him, or it didn't matter to her what he'd said when she answered. "They're after me, you know," she sat up and winced as she took his hand. He was sure there was more than a little fear in her voice when she finished, "they're still after me."

"I know," he said, "but swinging a gun around like you just did... isn't a good idea." With his free hand, Castle reached into the pocket he'd just put the gun in and pulled out his handkerchief. "This will have to work until I can find something better," he said as he placed it over the cut on her arm. "Can you hold that down, maybe put a little pressure on it while I look around?"

When her eyes met his, there was something else... something he was sure hadn't been there before. She opened her mouth to speak, at the exact same moment an ambulance blared its sirens as it rushed through the traffic below. Instantly, she screamed and was in his arms.

Her movement from the couch into his arms was quicker than Rick expected, but he caught her, and reacted in the only way he knew how. He held her close, and gently stroked her hair. "It's okay now, Kate, " he whispered, "I'm here."

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><p>She seemed to struggle with him for a time, or maybe with herself, but it was obvious he wasn't going to let her go. Not this time. After a moment or two, Kate stopped moving, and held on to him. She liked the warmth of him against her, but hated how this situation came to pass.<p>

"And I will be here for as long as you need me," he whispered warmly into her ear.

Kate buried her face into Castle's shoulder and held onto her as if her life depended on it. Something in the words he'd just spoken and the way he'd said them broke through to her. Fear, anger, and hate rushed out of her soul in such a way she couldn't control it. She held on tight to Castle. - In this moment, he was her only tie to reality.

"What have I done?" she cried, "What did she do? Why did this happen, Castle? Why me?"

"I don't know," he answered, "but, Kate, you are still alive, and you are better than this. You know that, don't you?" Rick pulled back a little, and she could barely see him through her tear-filled eyes, "Because I see it in you each and every day."

She shook her head slightly, why was he so impossible? "You don't understand... you don't know what it's like, being hunted down like, like some wild animal."

"Maybe not, but I do know what it's like, seeing this," he lifted her injured arm with his blood stained handkerchief, "and wishing there was some way I could stop it; some way I could take away the pain."

Kate pulled her arm out of his grasp and turned her back to him. The feelings each and every one of his words brought out in her - they were overpowering. She wanted to hit him with a baseball bat and hold him and kiss him senseless all at the same time. Kate rubbed the side of her head, her arm ached with the effort as she tried to make sense of it all in her alcohol-addled brain.

She wanted to take in his comfort; she wanted to not be so out-of-control.

Her shoulders suddenly became so very heavy, as if the world suddenly fell on top of her, and she sank to the floor, sobbing. Rick was right there, the touch of his hand so lightly on her back, but he remained silent. Of all the times for him to be silent, when she needed to hear his voice so much.

"I was so scared, Castle, so scared. I've never felt like that before..." Kate couldn't control the words flowing from her, "I was alone, and I was so, so scared."

"You know, it's all right to be scared," he offered, "but you were never alone. I was with you."

She shook her head, "No, you're wrong. I was alone. It was dark everywhere... I was alone."

-I love you, Kate.-

The statement echoed through her mind, and the voice... it was so different. It was Castle, but not here, not now. Still, he was right beside her. It whispered and flitted around inside... something of a promise from far in the past. But then, it was so confusing. Did he just say it again?

"What-?" she sat up so she could look Rick straight in the eye, "What did you say?"

The look on his face was one of pure innocence, and maybe a little confusion. "I said you were never alone."

"No, after that!"

"Nothing. I said nothing after that." His concern was written all over his face, "Kate, is there something you're not telling me? Are you really all right?"

"But you said..." she stopped and took a deep breath so she could try to concentrate. Unfortunately, there was still plenty of alcohol running through her mind to make that quite difficult. "I heard you..." Kate squeezed her eyes shut and focused on the words, focused on what just happened. Yes, he did say those words, those three little world-changing words, but when? It was so damn hard to get it straight; what happened then, and what was happening now.

"You heard me?" he asked, as his expression - she understood completely what it said. "What did you hear?"

She sighed and leaned forward so her forehead was on his shoulder, now wasn't the time for her to tell him. He wouldn't want to hear the truth from her in this state. "I... I don't know what I heard, Castle. My mind is so messed up right now..." she hoped he wouldn't ask anything else. She hoped he'd take her into his arms again... she hoped a lot of things.

He nodded and stood as he offered her a hand. "All right, then, let me get you back to the couch. I need to clean this mess up and find something around here to bandage your arm a little better. By the way, where is your broom?"

She waved her hand somewhat nonchalantly toward the kitchen, "It's over by the fridge."

He smiled, "Thanks."

Rick then gave her hand a slight squeeze as he walked away. She could tell he was only letting the subject go for now, and for that, she was grateful. Kate gratefully stayed there as he swept up all the glass.

The injury was really beginning to throb when he finally returned with the small kit she kept in her medicine cabinet. He opened it as he sat down beside her. "I'm not going to lie to you... this is probably going to hurt." His eyes met her briefly before he touched the alcohol wipe to the wound, "Feel free to hit me if you need to." And this time, the way the corners of his mouth quirked when he smiled warmed her entire body.

Beckett watched in silence as he placed a piece of gauze over the cut, then wrapped several layers of the material around her arm to keep the pad in place and keep the injury covered. She had never really looked at his hands before and found she liked the way they were shaped, and how carefully he worked and manipulated the fabric.

Before she knew it, he was finished. "That should hold you together for a little while, I think."

"I hope so," she yawned, and tried to stretch, but her injured arm would have none of that. Kate liked the way Castle smiled and watched her as she curled up on the couch. "I think I may go to sleep now."

"That's probably a good idea," he answered, and found a chair across the room from her to sit. "I'll be here if you need me."

She smiled into the pillow, "Thanks for stopping me before I did something stupid, Castle."

Kate could feel her body warm when he answered, "Always."


End file.
